Shara Grove Holistics

I was my own worst enemy at times, as I’m sure most people can relate to.

I was going through some shit at this time in life, that I was trying to get myself out of.

I can still remember these brownies. I was so proud of them. Baking was something that brought me pleasure and enjoyment. I enjoyed baking more than I enjoyed cooking, I felt like I got more out of it (I have a massive sweet tooth).

As a child I remember baking banana bread with mum and baking cakes with Grandma. I loved it then and I love remembering it now. I got back into baking in 2018 after finding my spark again and continued to bake till about 2019 when I began to lose confidence and pleasures and enjoyments of life changed.

Reading this now I love how I turned to baking as a pick me up. Something for myself. Something I knew would make me feel good. I can see how 2020 me really tried to hold and support herself.

Meditation was again something I did quite regularly but lost my way with it around the same time I lost my way with a lot of pleasures. It’s hard to say whether life sent me these tests to see if I would stay on my path, or whether I was always meant to go through these tests to come out of it who I am now. It’s just something I ponder on from time to time.

The sitting still…that was something I was still trying to accomplish for a few years after this. I think a combination of work and everything that came with that and a unsettled mind made life faster. I always had to go. I couldn’t watch TV unless I was still doing something at the same time. I couldn’t watch a movie without getting up and down several times. There were times where I would get up and go to the kitchen and just stand there lost because I had no reason to be there other than I knew I just had to get up and move. Or I’d get up and go to the bedroom, stand there for 10 seconds or so, maybe open a drawer or two and then go back because I had this deep unrest in me.

Living life at a slower pace wasn’t something I did till last year when I was in a position where I had to. Not for health reasons, not for any reason really other than life had sent me this wonderful opportunity where it was safe for me to do so. It was time for me to come back to myself.

I had the love of my life who cared and provided for me. He understood how much I needed this more than I did. I wasn’t working, I didn’t have places I needed to be. I didn’t have people I needed to see. I was just being. Just existing and after some getting used to, I finally accepted it, and life was so beautiful.

I could hear the birds and feel the breeze. I could see all the colours. I didn’t watch the time because it didn’t matter. I connected with new interests and hobbies. I found new ways of entertaining myself.

My overall health improved. I felt that feminine side of me that I don’t think I had ever felt before. It was heavenly (she still is).

But what I love the most about this entry, is that despite all the crap I was feeling on the inside, I still tried to find the positives of this one day. I still allowed myself to cry. I still found and did things that brought me some uplifting emotion. I still acknowledged what I was grateful for. I just had a hard time believing that what was good could be true when all I felt and heard was bad. That’s where the real battle is. Believing the good when times are undoubtably bad.

Reading this I know things took another nosedive afterwards. I was prescribed anti-depressants that ended up making me more numb than before, which resulted in me dissociating and spacing out quite often. The worst of it was when I almost rolled my car one morning. I can remember hearing the rain before I got up. I remember leaving the house, but the next thing I remember is swerving off the road, spinning, smashing my bumper into a fence and almost rolling. I then checked the time, realised I was gonna be late for work and continued driving (I did not have a healthy work mentality either).

The relationship went through a lot of ups and downs after this, as well as home life. I felt like I was balancing on a tight rope over a volcano. So much fear around falling, and understandably so. I felt like I had a lot to lose (and because of the life I was living, I did). But I was so determined to get across, even if it had me sweating buckets and covered in heat rashes.

It’s been a pain at times, but it is something that I love about myself.

I am resilient.

I am tough. I am determined to better myself for myself.

And I like to think I have been quite successful at it so far.