Jan 2021

Want to know the irony in this? About five months prior to this I dropped roughly 20kg in the space of week. Due to the depression and anxiety, I had I completely lost my appetite. I was drinking regularly as a way of finding relief from what I was going through. I was taking drugs and living for the party as a way of avoiding what I was truly feeling inside.

I was feeling alone when I needed the support. I was feeling lost when I thought I had it all figured out. I was crumbing around someone who I cared about all whilst he stood frozen, not knowing how to help me.

It was a dark time. A period of time that I remember but only for the reason why it was dark. Other than that, it’s just one massive blur.

At the time I was smashing myself on the treadmill. Granted I was running the best I ever have done, and my resting heart rate was that of an athlete (as said by a doctor), but I was trying to run away. To escape somewhere else where I could leave this life behind and all the troubles in it.

With my sudden and drastic weight loss, I was met with heaps of compliments which only messed up my mentality even more.

“You look great Em!”

“Holy shit Em, you look really good!”

“I want a figure like yours. How did you do it?”

Depression. Depression was how I did it.

But of course, it feels impossible to say that to some people. I knew they’d just stare at me blankly and try to swiftly move away from me mid conversation.

So the irony in this journal entry? I wrote it at a time where I was starting to eat more food again, and was noticing the tiny changes it was making to my body.

I wrote this after losing 20kg and I feared putting more weight back on.

Because during that dark time where I found very little interest in myself and my worth, I latched on to the one thing that seemed to give me some sort of value…

My physical body (story of my life…)

This trauma happened to me in which my body sank and crumbled, but no one else saw it that way? Despite those that knew what I was going through, no one (bare two ladies at work) approached me concerned. Everyone just cheered me on. And I fed off it because what else did I have going for me at that time?

Despite the relationship I was in, I had to get myself out of the hole. I had to get myself better.

I stopped posting on social media as I didn’t want friends and family back home approaching me about my weight loss. I knew for a fact that my mother would, and that was not a conversation I wanted to have. Especially when I had successfully convinced her that I was ‘all good’.

I look back at this now and to me it’s so clear to see that this message was coming from one part of my psyche, whilst maybe two or three other parts of it were listening.

It came from the part of my psyche that was dominating. It had control and power hidden under encouraging words. It was tough, rough and hard. But even that part of my psyche was developed from pain. From grief, heart ache and criticism. From insecurities, lack of value and low self-worth.

The parts that were listening? Well there was the part that agreed of course. There was the part that couldn’t even look at my physical body because it didn’t feel like home. And there was the part that was shaking her head. Almost disappointed in what my psyche had become after all the work I had done. But she knew. She knew that if I was going to go down this route, I had to go down it in order to realise that it wasn’t me. I was never destined to become her.

Admittedly I started smashing myself with workouts, pre-workouts, protein powders, chicken breast and rice meals. I was in a deep dark hole that realistically, I didn’t get off till late 2023.

I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy my fitness/exercise journey because there are parts of it that made me feel accomplished, powerful, strong and sexy, however there is a lot to it that is more unhealthy than healthy. A lot more to it than I can write in this one post.

Now that I’m out of it? Yeah sure sometimes I miss pushing myself. Sometimes I miss sculpting my body. Sometimes I miss those hormones, but something that I’ve gained? Comfort in my own body. My physical home. Maturity. Peace. Acceptance. Gratitude. Love and appreciation.

What I have gained is 100 times more valuable to me than what I have changed.