Shara Grove Holistics

I remember this night so clearly. There was a lot of laughter. A lot of high spirits and drinks getting chugged.

I’ve never really had any friendship groups over the course of my life so far. I’ve been in friendship groups as an extension of an individual friend, but not really part of the group. I’ve had some trios and groups of four but in the end, it’s the individual friend that I’d say I was/am close with.

I’ve never complained about it. There have been times where I wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I seem to mold into a group as easily as others? In my now older years, I can see it’s because I was never supposed to be in a group. Especially groups of superficial people. The reason I had/have those individual friends is because on some level, I didn’t have to mask when I was around them. Yes, I’ve always hidden parts of myself from everyone, but my true friends know me deeply.

There was a group of us out this night. A group of girls and one guy. Fuck it was fun. We just all bounced off each other. There was something about the group feeling this night that fed a part of me. It added to how at that time, I was feeling about myself. I was still enjoying my freedom in single life, I was feeling sexy, vibrant and energised.

The night progressed into dancing which once I start; it’s hard for me to stop (because I just don’t want to). To cut a long story short I spent some time on the dancefloor with an Irish guy who was just passing through the town.

We danced the night away together, chatted and accepted that this was just gonna be a random night of getting along together as strangers.

Late into the night, I had a panic attack whilst in his company. It shook me. I wasn’t expecting it but knew straight away what it was in relation to.

As someone who has had damage done by the opposite gender, and as someone who had in some way lost my faith in them, it was so soothing on all levels to be comforted and reassured that I was safe and everything was all good.

I’ve been shamed in the past for the anxiety I had. I was told it was weak, that it needed fixing and that it was a shame I had such a vice.

I have some heavy trauma in relation to relationships and sex. I hadn’t had much experience by this point with guys who were at least fairly healed in their masculinity. So, to be in a ‘one thing led to another’ situation which then triggered this alarm, but to then be comforted through it, that in itself was a new experience and one that led me to recognise that there were lovely guys out there who will protect me.

We spent the rest of the night talking about our problems until he walked me to my car in the early hours of the morning. I don’t remember his name. I don’t remember many details about him. I don’t even think I’d be able to pick him out in a crowd, but I’ll never forget how he treated me in my most vulnerable state. How he turned the panic into safety and how he got me thinking about the good guys out there.

To whoever you were, thank you.

Most of my journal entries for 2023 are pretty dark and deep. I was beginning my journey in processing the abuse I had gone through back in a relationship I had had earlier on in life. So, to come across this entry, and to have the memories of the night still so clearly in my head, I just had to include it in here. I remember at the time I was torn between writing about the experience or about how the night as a whole made me feel. I chose to write about the night as a whole. It was a sprinkle of laughter in a journal that held a lot of weight.