Shara Grove Holistics

Owning up to your shit is vital if you want to grow as a person, because if you can’t own up to the mistakes you have made as a human, or admit that you have hurt people or done wrong by them, you’re keeping yourself blocked and in one way or another, karma will come to find you.

The relationship I’m referring to in this journal entry is one from when I was around 17-21. The relationship had a lot of highs and lows; it was a breeding ground for toxicity and insecurities as well as being the most damaging yet revolutionary relationship of any sorts I have had.

I kept a lot of secrets from him. Like when he would ask me to delete all the boys from my Snapchat friends list, I would tell him I did it but I never did. I just changed the names of the boys I spoke to on there because they were my friends, I didn’t want to lose them. Or like how I would tell him I was at home when I was actually at the pub with a friend.
I felt like everyone knew our relationship was an interesting one to say the least, I just didn’t want to open myself up to more questions that I couldn’t answer or ridicule I didn’t want to face.

I cheated whilst in this relationship, only once, but I did. There were two reasons why I did it:

The first one being that deep down I wanted to escape the situation I was in, but after trying several times to do so he wouldn’t let me go. He was always accusing me of cheating anyway, so I think there was also a part of me that was like
“Well you may as well seeing as he already thinks you have”.
During this relationship my survival instincts were never switched off, I truly believe the act of me cheating was a last resort survival instinct, in which I believed that if I did this act that he had expressed deep hurt over (despite the fact that I hadn’t cheated by this point), then by admitting to it, he would perhaps choose to end the relationship (spoiler alert, he didn’t).

Reason two is that this guy I was in a relationship with didn’t make me feel good about myself. I hated myself in every way. Every comment was back handed, I was always compared to other girls/women, he always spoke about what I was missing, my self-worth seemed to be only linked to my sexual value. I felt horrid about myself. I felt like I was just this body existing only to be useful in sexual manners because no matter how much I nurtured, complimented, fed or motivated him, it was never enough.
I was on a night out with a friend and a guy expressed his interest. I thought I was punching. Tall, gym buff, great to chat to, blonde hair blue eyes type. He made me feel interesting. He made me feel seen, heard, he made me laugh, he danced with me, I spent time with him and his mates. I ended up enjoying myself around him.

I was so torn between what felt right and what felt wrong. My friend encouraged me to go for it, so I did and I had a great night. I behaved in a way that I hadn’t seen of myself before. I had fun, I was confident, outgoing and free-spirited.
Needless to say the act led to more emotional abuse from him rather than him letting me go.

Throughout that relationship I did do some questionable things. After all he has been my main teacher of survival, manipulation, control and coercion. I look back on my actions and I can see where I was trying to survive and where I was mirroring him. It at times was a hard pill to swallow, admitting that I was also toxic and I did do some shitty things. But being able to honestly look at yourself in the mirror and admit your faults, it leads to gold. It leads to freedom, it leads to maturity, liberation, joy.

Admitting toxicity to yourself doesn’t mean you have to reach out and apologise (only if that feels right for you), but it does give you the room to apologise to yourself. Forgive yourself for what you have done. Give yourself the room the understand why you acted that way. Allow yourself to reflect without emotions taking over. Allow yourself to LEARN from it. If you wouldn’t do it again ask yourself why? What about it doesn’t sit right with you?

It’s so easy to beat ourselves up over mistakes but mistakes are our biggest teachers. You make a mistake and you’re giving yourself a free lesson on what to do next time.

Be your own teacher