Shara Grove Holistics

I have been quite torn with this work. Whether to do this or that. Wondering whether I’m doing something wrong. Wondering whether I should be doing this anyway.
My brain can be quite cruel to me sometimes, and it can be very convincing with ‘perfect’ pictures.

Honestly, at this time, part of me was torn whether to continue with this or not. Whether to continue writing, to continue creating and shaping. I’m someone that likes to see results, and I’m finding it hard to see the results I was expecting. I tend to be creative with my expectations. They become very realistic in my head. Which is great in some context, but for the majority it has left me feeling disappointed and can leave me in a slump.

It’s hard living in a world that you’ve never fitted into. It’s even harder to try and find your place in it despite the dislike. You’re constantly going back and forth whether to be true to what you feel, whether to play the system or just find a box that suits you the most.

My brain likes to weigh up options, think of the outcomes and then choose which option is best (it’s exhausting to be honest…). With all this newness going on at the moment. my brain has gone into over drive.

Things haven’t gone as I expected, but that doesn’t mean things have gone badly. Maybe I just needed a reality check, to come back down to Earth, to my actual reality, not the one my brain likes to create.

But then even that is hard. Living in reality. I can be in and surrounded by nature and be so in the moment. But other times, my brain and body have disconnected. Almost choosing not to communicate with each other as they know it can result in arguments (something they have learnt over the years).

I’m at a crossroads. I have a direction that is showing me my desire to leave the social media world behind. In the opposite direction I’m shown a life where I’ve utilised social media for what it now is. The North path wants to lead me down a road of fuck it all, whereas the South wants to show me the way of embracing it all.

It’s at times like these where my brain and body can feel separate. My body wants me to go, and my body can and will take me there. But my brain remembers and holds onto things that can leave me stunted in time. It can sometimes feel like it’s my body that needs to teach my brain. It’s my body that will hold my brains hand into these challenges to prove that
a) my body is my protector
b) it’s all good anyway

I’m at a weird point in life where those conditioned beliefs that have been in there since almost the start, are the ones that are stunting me, but they are the hardest to shake because of how long they have been there.

I have fears about putting myself out there, but can see abundant realities where I have done so and it’s worked out very well. So then it’s like, why am I not just doing it? What do I have to lose? But I know from experience, when I hesitate to act on something, there is a valid reason behind it, even if it isn’t clear at the time. Which again, leaves me stunted.

It’s hard returning to a place that you outgrew long ago. It’s hard returning to a place that would never have allowed me to grow into the person I am today. But it’s also hard returning to people that haven’t grown the same amount. I felt like the black sheep before, now I feel like the rainbow coloured sheep.

This article was originally supposed to be about a journal entry I wrote, but I guess I wanted this space to write an online journal entry instead, so here we are.

To some I can be quite prone to making mountains out of molehills. I can see it, but I know how deeply I feel. My emotions can be so vast and engulfing.

I don’t usually read my journal entries back to myself, I could understand why at one point but now it just seems silly. I’ve read this back, and I think I needed somewhere to write and express but to also feel as though I am talking to someone without actually talking to them. Make sense?…(you can say no)

I’m not in anyway sad or unhappy. I’m just navigating changes and trying to not feel as though I have a timer on me…